The Big Steer

So the family consensus is that Iowa is a wierd place.

Dinner time last night found us in Des Moines, looking for someplace to eat, and the task proved surprisingly difficult - we drove around the city, we drove into the city, we finally ended up on the far side of the city, and we still couldn't find a decent sit-down restaurant. We did see a Perkins (should have stopped there), but we were looking for something more like an Applebees or TGIFridays, and so we drove, and drove, and drove some more. And we just didn't see anything.

Finally, we stopped at a hotel to ask for suggestions / directions (yes, we were truly desparate), and here at last our luck seemed to turn. "Sure, there's a family steakhouse just down the road. It's called The Big Steer." Hmmm... a nice steak sounded good, and when we pulled into the parking lot, it was packed with local vehicles. That would seem to be a good sign when it's 8 PM on a Thursday night. So we walked on in an asked for a table. And that's when things got strange.

The Big Steer is evidently a local establishment, and has been for quite some time, judging by the vintage vinyl wallpaper and 1950's style decor. Pictures of large (evidently local) cows adorned the walls - hence the restaraunt name - and judging by the average size of the (evidently local) clientelle, all those steers must get their photos taken right before they get carved into steaks, which are then quickly devoured by very large folks with names like Earl and Roy and Monica.

Monica was actually the name of our waitress, and she was as nice as she was large (judging by her size, she could evidently hold her own with Earl and Roy). She gave us our menus, which we opened and promply gasped. The prices were as large as the patrons - the kids menus started at $6.95, and the cheapest sandwich was $10 bucks; the average steaks were nearly $20. Anything that remotely resembled seafood was simply labeled "Market Price" (Can you actually GET real seafood in Iowa? I was afraid to ask...)

Now don't get me wrong - local largeness is not a bad thing. In fact, our initial response was to think, "If they can charge this kind of money, and still attract this kind of patronage, the food must be outstanding!" And by this time of the trip, I was really in the mood for an outstanding steak. With a good beer. So I asked the next logical question: "What do you have on tap?"

"All our beer's in bottles, hun." (a waitress calling you 'hun' can be a very good sign, but 'all our beer's in bottles' is generally not).

"Um, what kinds of beer do you have in bottles?"

There must have been a note of fear in my voice because she responded quite reassuringly, "Oh, we got tons, just about everything. Whatcha like?"

Some uncanny sixth sense tells me to not even bother asking if they have Fat Tire, so I try to phrase it generically: "Um, anything like an amber ale?"

Now it was her turn to look worried. "Hmm... we don't get much call for them 'round here..." This was followed by a long pause and then a much shorter list of options.

Now judging by what was sitting on other folks tables, I think "we got tons" meant "Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light" [Aside: one of the questions at our church planting interview the day before was "Which beer do you prefer: Bud Light or Coors Light?", with the correct answer being "Neither - those aren't really beer" ... see why we like these church planters?]

At any rate, when Monica finally mentioned "Bass Ale" I quickly said "that'll do" and she bustled off, looking relieved. Of course, having a beer like this sitting on your table this clearly marks you as "foreigners" or "friends of Al Quaeda" or something like that, but sometimes that's just the price you have to pay.

And speaking of prices, that brings us back to the menu.

• Rebekah's "chicken strips" came with choice of "fruit dish or cottage cheese" (cottage cheese???);
  
• Marilyn's "italian meatballs and spaghetti" came with a salad but "sorry, we don't have Caesar";
  
• the fries that came with the boys sandwhiches were miniscule (think McDonald's "mini-sized");
  
• and my 10 oz. Ribeye ("our special tonight!") was just that - a steak on a plate. No rice, no little sprigs of greenery, nothing extra or fancy at all - I guess what made it special was that it was only $14.95. There was a little red slice of some apple or beet thingy resting off to one side, but it certainly didn't look natural (let alone edible). As for the steak itself, it was ok at best. No seasoning (I had to add some salt), no steak sauce (Monica did bring us... "ooh, catchup!" but that was about it).

To top it all off, the place didn't take Amex, but they did charge an automatic 18% gratuity for parties with 5 or more people. Automatic gratuity for a family of 5??? This floored me, but in fairness to Monica, when she saw me scrutinizing the bill, she said "I didn't put the tip on there...I figured I'd just leave it up to you." Then she smiled so nicely we went ahead and gave her 20%, but we (probably wisely) passed on dessert.

All told - it was just a lower-than-average meal at a higher-than-average price in a wierd little restaraunt where all the locals sure seemed happy about what they were getting for what they were paying. Heck, even the cows in the pictures seemed to be smiling. Go figure.

Of course your own mileage may vary, but the next time you're passing through Iowa, we'd suggest you "steer clear" of The Big Steer, or at least don't ask what they have on tap...